I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
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