Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
