You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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