Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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