Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
