Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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