Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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