I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
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