I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
