I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
