so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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