I cannot find my penis.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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