and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
you made out with another girl for some wings
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
