Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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