wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Are my feet made of real feet?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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