I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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