all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i will never coherently bang her
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
