Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
