Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
