She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize