I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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