Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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