final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
