Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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