If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
