I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
