I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
