508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Im part way to drunk.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Randomize
