when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
