you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
