1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
