Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
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