My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
