I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm getting married
To pizza
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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