alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
