even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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