I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
