Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
