dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
