This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
