So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
