I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
