Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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