I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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