If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
