Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
