just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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