Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
