Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
