We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
