I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
