Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
The chlamydia really affected his face.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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