If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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