New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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