Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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