just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
