Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
