I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
