It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
