You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
