I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Is her dick bigger than yours?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
