I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
