Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
